Heretic
Part Three
Chapter 8
“We should light a fire,” Farrus said.
“What good will that do? A fire might scare off normal wolves but…” Garreth said.
“Who said anything about scaring them off?” Farrus snapped. “They’re coming for us. When we have to fight them, it’d be helpful if we could see what we were doing.”
“But the goddess of this land won’t let us cut any wood. There’s not much up on this hill.”
Farrus and Garreth’s arguing continued as Kierna stared out into the darkness, her heart clutched in a tight and painful grip. Amauro the wolf-goddess had come for her and her men, and she was unable to protect them. She felt light-headed, dizzy standing on the edge of the cliff. She was bone-tired already just from riding all day. If it came to a fight, she would likely collapse after a few swings of her sword. And even if she could fight, what use would she be without her miracles?
“There could be a dozen of them out there and we wouldn’t know,” Farrus said. “These ones could be distracting us while the others sneak closer.”
There was a way to find out how many foes there were, of course. All she had to do was open her Godseye, and she would be able to see the immense force of Amauro’s Dea controlling the wolves sent to attack them. She’d done it a thousand times before, learning through diligent practice to keep her Eye slit, so that she could avoid being overwhelmed by the vast sensory overload present in the Godsrealm.
Tentatively, feeling like she was going to be burned at any moment, Kierna tried to open her Godseye. She half expected it to fail, her power lost to her forever. She half expected it to open wide and swallow her up, her Dea spreading and engulfing her, transforming her again into an uncompromising killer. Neither happened.
Her Godseye opened with no difficulty. Her senses of the mundane world dwindled in comparison, Farrus’ and Garreth’s voices turned to background noise. Her awareness of her own body lessened as well, the pain and nausea she felt falling away, bringing a sort of bliss from the absence of discomfort. The dark world became alight with a thousand points of life. She stared out in amazement at the beauty of the plains, with hundreds of spirits floating above the grass, swirling and swarming in great swaths of color. Its like Ganiza’s land, she realized. The land was some kind of sanctuary or nursery for spirits, the infants of the divine. That must be why the goddess had rules in place to keep people from settling there.
Focus, she told herself. She swept her gaze out across the field, looking for something larger than spirits. Opening her eye a bit further, the shapes became sharper, seeming to grow as her vision became wider and deeper. Amauro’s wolves stood out clearly, her Dea appearing as long tendrils of golden light streaked with orange. They appeared out of nowhere, flickering from one point to another, but always striking the same place. With her vision so focused on the Godsrealm, she could only see vague shadows that made up the wolves material bodies, wolf-corpses wrapped in grass.
There were six of them, out in the plains ahead of the cliff where they were camped. She turned, and found three more of the covering the other sides of the cliff. She felt the urge to draw her sword, but then she realized they weren’t advancing. They moved restlessly, slinking back and forth, occasionally raising their heads and howling in the night, but they moved no closer to the high ground. They let us know they were here, and they aren’t moving any closer, she thought. She looked then towards the center of the camp.
Beneath the pool of water, deep down in the heart of the stone, she saw it. A great god of white and pink light, wrapped around itself like a coccoon, tendrils reaching out the spread throughout the land. A few of them were spread towards the wolves, following their movements slowly, like a snake guarding its territory. She focused, and she could feel the goddess looking back, an enormous eye opening languidly and narrowing its gaze upon her.
Kierna took a step back as it moved, a tendril of its Dea reaching up through the earth and slowly flickering around her. Kierna held her breath as the goddess enclosed her in her grip, the touch of soul hot and electrifying. Deliberately, the goddess squeezed, just enough to make the threat obvious. And then the tendril fell away, the great eye closing.
That touch made her feel sick, and without intending it, her vision turned inward, focusing on her own soul. She gasped. Her souls should have been bright, silver-white, like a cold flame brighter than the sun. But it was small and seemed fragile, bruised with a darkness across its surface. Here and there spots of brightness would flare up for a brief moment before vanishing again. Something was very wrong with her.
Her Godseye snapped shut, an unconscious decision. The emptiness of the dark night ahead of her was comforting in its lack of detail. Farrus and Garreth were both staring at her, Garreth leaning forward with his hands reaching forward as if to catch her. She blinked, swayed a bit as a wave of nausea ran through her, then cleared her throat.
“I’m fine. Go ahead and light that fire, Farrus. Amauro already knows we’re here. Be ready, but I don’t think they’ll be attacking so long as we hold this ground.”
“Because of the goddess?” Farrus asked. “So once we leave-”
“We’ll be ambushed, yes,” Kierna said. “Hopefully, that means we’ll have time to recover. Excuse me. I need to ask some questions.”
Kierna shuffled past the priests and back towards the main camp. Hammarra lay still on the ground, breathing softly. Kierna shuddered as she thought of the goddess lingering just beneath her.
Baako lay next to his slyzeer with his back against a pair of large boulders. He’d balanced a stave atop them and thrown a cloak over it, making himself a snug little cave. He was snoring loudly as she approached, but the sound had a desperately false quality to it. When she kicked at his leg, he yelped and sat up immediately.
“Blessed! You’re awake and up and, uh, glowering…” In the darkness Kierna couldn’t see his face, but he seemed to be cringing away from her. “Can I help you?”
“You guided us here, correct?” Kierna said. Her vision blurred as she suppressed a yawn. Gods, she was tired. But she did her best to sound as composed as ever.
“That is what you pay me for, ah?”
“Why here?’
“Is safest place around. After your esteemed self destroyed your foe with such magnificence and, ah, retired to recover, we found ourselves pursued by angry men with many weapons. Garreth ordered me to find a safe place they would not follow, where you and the old woman could rest,” Baako said.
“Why is it safe?”
“Ah, that is because the land is uninhabited, claimed by the Goddess of Solitude and Tranquillity, Abeini. She protects those who shelter her, for a time.”
“Please tell me about this goddess,” Kierna said. Sighing, she knelt and sat before Baako, too tired to keep standing around for no reason. He slid back even further, pressed up against the walls of his shelter.
“Certainly, blessed, ah… what do you want to know?” Kierna just stared, and he continued on his own. “Well, she doesn’t have any clerics or anything to speak for her, so word is light on how she actually feels about things. But she’s talked to people before, travelers passing through, warning them not to stay. Certain rules have to be observed. No cutting of live wood, no preying on the animals, no fouling the water.”
“What happens if her rules are broken?” Kierna asked.
“Death and destruction, ah? I can’t say I know the details. No one I’ve ever spoken to has been stupid enough to break the rules. There are plenty of tales of people who disappeared after traveling into the land though. And there is a story, from about three years back, of a group of hunters who strayed into Abeini’s territory without realizing it. They killed a quozo and knelt down right there to butcher it, but a great tremor ran through the land. Two of the hunters were further off, and hadn’t crossed into Abeini’s land yet, so they were able to watch. Supposedly a huge swarm of creatures appeared, every kind of animal that lives in the area, and attacked wildly, with no concern for their survival. The two hunters from afar fled, but when they returned they found blood on the ground but no sign of the bodies of the other hunters, or of the quozo that was their prize.” Baako’s voice faded out with a mysterious lilt, falling into the habit of a storyteller.
“Has anyone tried to talk with her before?”
“Talk with a goddess? I do not know how it is in your big city, Blessed, but these things are not done here. Gods and goddesses make their will known. We obey, or else try to stay out of their sight.”
“Okay,” Kierna said, sighing. She forced herself to stand, yawning again. “Thank you for the information.” An idea was forming in her head, but she was too weary to trust her thoughts for now. If she was right about Amauro having the patience to wait for them to leave, then she would have time to rest.
Kierna passed by Farrus attempting to start a fire from a few pieces of old dead wood. She told him to wake her if the wolves advanced, then returned to her bedroll and passed into oblivion.
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
When she woke the next morning, Kierna felt a bit less horrible. She lay awake for several minutes, not thinking about what she needed to do. Then, like pulling an arrow out of her flesh, she gritted her teeth and opened her Godseye again.
Inspecting her soul was distressing. Despite it being something she normally never saw, had no awareness of, when she was looking at it she felt an unmistakable sense of connection. It hurt to look at it just as it would to look down and see a bleeding hole in her gut.
The soul was still dark, still wrong looking, with the same flashes of occasional brightness from within. She couldn’t tell if there was any difference from the day before. Would it heal over time, like a bruise? Or would it stay damaged forever, pain her new equilibrium?
No way to know. Nothing you can do about it. Don’t worry about what can’t be helped. Focus on what can.
Kierna got up, walked over to an exhausted looking Garreth sitting and watching out into the gray pre-dawn. In the thick grass, the wolves controlled by Amauro couldn’t be seen, but occasionally they moved through the undergrowth in wild bursts of speed, drawing the eye. Distracting, threatening. Garreth reported that they hadn’t moved in all night, and now agreed that they seemed likely to hold off until matters changed.
Garreth argued, but Kierna insisted on relieving him. There was barely an hour left until his shift ended anyway. He was too tired to argue for long. He was asleep in minutes, and Kierna divided her attention to using the tiny fire Farrus had started to cook them some breakfast. It had been days since any of the had had a hot meal. It would do them good.
Farrus and Baako swiftly woke to the smell of the meal. Baako accepted his with a nervous glance. He muttered something about keeping watch and took it off to the edge of the cliff, out of earshot. Garreth snored lightly from his spot next to Hammarra. Farrus watched Kierna with concern.
“You are doing better, then?” he asked.
Am I? She wasn’t sure. She was up and about now, certainly, but she couldn’t help but wonder if she could have done the same days ago. The fever and lethargy affecting her was real, but she had a feeling that what had kept her asleep while they traveled away from the storm god’s land had more to do with her mind than her body.
“I’m getting there,” she said. “Though I can’t know how long it will take. I don’t know what is wrong with me, exactly.”
“This is… because of something Ganiza did to you, right?” Farrus asked. Kierna could tell it was an effort for him to broach the subject. Kierna considered them all friends, but there had always been a wall between her and the sword-priests. Its bricks were propriety and authority, but the mortar that filled it was made of her own melancholy. She wanted to retreat behind that wall, to tell Farrus that as his captain she appreciated his concern but that she had everything under control. Where did that get me? I listened to Ganiza, because she was different. She felt like someone I could trust. Would that I had listened to those who’ve already earned my trust.
“It is. And it isn’t.” Kierna’s words were halting, but she found it easier to speak with each short sentence. “She didn’t do anything to me. I did it. At her behest, following advice. But it was my choice.”
Slowly at first, but then faster and more frenetic, the story poured out of her. The theories Ganiza offered that flew so close to heresy that Kierna was uncertain if they crossed the line or not. Certainly her own actions, arrogantly molding her soul with no regard to what might be changed, crossed that line. Possession of the soul was one of the most basic tenets there was. Your body was your own, material and temporary, but your soul belonged to your god. The spiritual was their realm in entirety, and to reach into it and meddle in things humans could not comprehend was an act of rebellion. Gods offered those they thought were worthy the power to enact miracles, unshackling their souls to allow them to draw upon the power of their faith, or of the great Dea, but that was all.
It would have been harder with Garreth. Garreth would have sat quietly, meeting her gaze, nodding and soberly listening with no interruptions. Kierna would have been lost in her wondering, uncertain how to explain things, drifting off into vague unfinished thoughts. Farrus didn’t have that patience. He snapped and interrupted, demanding elaboration. He challenged her ideas, quoted doctrine at her, criticized Ganiza’s words. It forced Kierna to be more assertive, to decide what she really believed and to try and explain it.
“So now you know,” Kierna said, when Farrus finally went silent. He stewed in anger, teeth gritted and shoulders hunched, not looking at her. “It’s my fault Hammarra is hurt. It’s my fault Kenth died. And it’ll be my fault if Amauro kills us all.”
“Enough of that,” Farrus snarled. “You sound like one of the new recruits back at the monastery, sulking. You needed a weapon to beat Munashe, so you picked it up. You just didn’t know how to use it yet.” He glanced at her, seeming to want to say more, but whatever it was, he gave up the effort. He stood, throwing the last crumbs of bread in the fire. “I don’t trust Baako to keep watch on his own. I’m going to keep an eye on those wolves. You need to rest and get better. You’ll be back to normal soon, I’m sure of it.”
He left. Kierna sighed, wishing that she could have the Farrus from Ethka back, with his flippant smirks and casual insolence. It was a sign of how bad things had gotten that he displayed his anger so apparently. It was always there of course. Farrus had come to the monastery furious, and only through years of training and meditation had he tempered and hidden his animosity behind a smile. He had to let it out sometimes, or it ate him from within.
Kierna felt a little lighter. Sharing her story with Farrus left her feeling more restful than her night of fitful sleep. Ever since she’d killed Munashe she’d felt as though someone would see through her at any moment, seize on her weakness and let their disappointment be known. It felt good to have someone know how she’d failed. Now she could at least try to make up for it.
Kierna carefully unwound Hammarra’s bandages and checked her wound. It looked no different than before, but she cleaned it again to be sure. Hammarra slept through it this time, her breaths deep and relaxed. She didn’t know if that was a good sign, but she could hope.
When Garreth woke, she spoke to him briefly, asking him to join Farrus and to not disturb her until she asked for them. That she was ready to try something. He looked pensive, but didn’t argue. “Godspeed,” he told her, before leaving the camp with his sword slung over one shoulder.
Seated with her legs crossed together and her hands on her lap, Kierna breathed deeply, in and out, thinking of nothing. Minutes passed, and she felt calm, disconnected from the troubles of their situation. Then she opened her Godseye. The world shone through her closed eyes, the slumbering soul of goddess Abeini spread out below her. Breathing deeper, Kierna opened her Eye fully, letting her body vanish in the overwhelming spiritual sea. Nausea took hold of her, followed by the sharp panic of a loss of control. She could see in every direction now, not relying on any physical senses. She could see inward just as well, the dim glow of her injured soul grounding her in place. Below, Abeini opened her eye.
The goddess uncoiled like some great sea creature with a dozen long arms, reaching up to surround Kierna’s soul and draw it in closer. Fear shook her as she descended, the goddess spreading to fill her sight like a massive predator about to swallow her whole. But when she paused. But the goddess let her come to a rest before her single huge yellow eye.
Who? The goddess’ voice shook Kierna’s soul, making it vibrate in time, accompanied by a harmonic sound like a singing glass.
I am Kierna Sarana, Blessed One. Paladin of Jehx. I beg your mercy.
Why? The question echoed through her. The goddess’ speech was simple, but immensely deep, carrying the weight of eons. It was less words than a blunt and powerful sensation of emotion. Raw questions in the form of the concept of the question.
My companions and I are pursued by the goddess Amauro. She means to kill us. We are weak and injured, and cannot defend ourselves. I-
NO. The question struck her like a blow. It carried with it an ultimatum. No bloodshed on Abeini’s land. No violence. No mercy.
Please. I know that you do not approve of violence. I do not wish to fight. But the goddess will not rest until we are dead. You desire peace. Please, help us.
NO. The same response, but stronger, buffeting Kierna’s soul so that its flame flickered for a moment. Concern flashed through her. Could the goddess snuff out her soul like the spark it resembled?
Why protect this place then? Why insist that no one be harmed here? No beasts hunted, even the plants unharmed?
Peace. Solitude.
The feelings washed over Kierna. They were not words. They were like songs, incredibly complex but repeating around a simple motif. Like thick books elucidating on their subjects at great length. Exhaustive studies of concepts far to simple to be reduced to mere words.
Kierna saw. Abeini did not care that Amauro was a hunter, a killer. She didn’t care that Kierna and the others would be killed just outside of her borders if they left. She did not care about their lives lost if they chose to stay and be obliterated by her power. She didn’t care about the animals she demanded be left in peace, the growing plants, the clean water. She only cared about that the land remained silent and calm. There was no morality in it. No consideration for circumstances, no judgment. Against the absolute certainty of the goddess’ feelings, Kierna knew there was absolutely nothing that could sway her mind. Her soul radiated out a flare of frustration like a silent scream.
Abeini, knowing that she had made herself understood, knowing that Kierna’s wishes were of less significance than a drop of water in the ocean, closed her massive eye and returned to slumber.
Kierna did not close her Godseye. Though she felt unnerved, she took comfort in the absence of her physical body. Everything beyond herself fell away. She could stay like this as long as she liked, with no concerns and no needs. She wondered if that was how gods felt.
I knew you were the sort to run before you tried walking. It’s good to see you’ve decided to try things differently.
Shocked, Kierna instinctively spread out her awareness. There, just before her, was a familiar sight, one she’d seen only once before but had been burned into her memory. A great pillar of swirling orange substance that was half smoke, half light. Three golden eyes at its apex, cold and composed. A silver ribbon of light wrapped about her, ending in shimmering emerald bursts of light.
Ganiza, her Dea unfurled like the banner proclaiming ownership of a hilltop.
How? Kierna’s word was filled with immense context, a thousand unspoken questions behind it.
You seem to be in danger. We should talk.